Juggling: Perimenopause, Raising Teens and Caring For Elderly Parents

What is Demetrescence?

Recently, awareness has grown about matrescence—the profound transformation women experience when becoming mothers. This encompasses emotional, hormonal, and social shifts. Alongside matrescence is the mental load and kinkeeping (managing family relationships). Now, a new term, "demetrescence," has emerged to describe the second significant transition of motherhood, particularly affecting mothers of teenagers.

Defining the Term

Coined by parenting expert and GoodtoKnow panelist Sarah Ockwell-Smith, demetrescence refers to the transition mothers face as their children grow into adolescence. "The standardised mean age to give birth in the UK is now 30.9 and the average age to begin perimenopause is 46. While our bodies change, we may experience insomnia, crushing tiredness, forgetfulness, and rage, all the while our teens are raging too," Ockwell-Smith explains. This stage involves a heavy mental load, often compounded by caring for elderly parents.

The Complex Nature of Demetrescence

Ockwell-Smith identifies several key aspects of demetrescence:

1. Letting Go: Mothers must learn to let go of their children as they become more independent. This involves a significant shift in identity, from being needed constantly to finding themselves again.

2. Continued Responsibilities: Unlike the support available during new motherhood, there are no "teenatal" classes or "teenternity" leave. Mothers juggle raising teens, caring for elderly parents, and coping with perimenopause or menopause.

3. Emotional and Physical Changes: As children become independent, mothers may experience physical and emotional challenges, making this transition more complex.

Greek Mythology and Demetrescence

The term "demetrescence" is inspired by the Greek goddess Demeter, who experienced profound grief when her daughter Persephone was taken by Hades. This myth reflects the emotional turmoil mothers face during this transition. Like Demeter, mothers must navigate the balance between joy and sorrow as their children grow up and move away.

Real Stories of Demetrescence

GoodtoKnow deputy editor Heidi Scrimgeour shares her demetrescence experience, emphasizing the need for a term to describe this life stage. She notes the lack of preparation and support compared to early motherhood, making this transition particularly challenging.

Clio Wood, a women's health advocate, and author of "Get Your Mojo Back, Sex, Pleasure and Intimacy After Birth," explains the added pressures of midlife motherhood. Juggling responsibilities at work and home, caring for aging parents, and dealing with perimenopause creates a stressful environment that affects self-perception, health, and sexual well-being.

Key Facts About Demetrescence

1. Awareness and Naming: Awareness of demetrescence is growing, and having a term for it helps validate the experiences of mothers.

2. Identity Shift: This stage involves a significant identity shift as mothers learn to let go and rediscover themselves.

3. Complex Responsibilities: Mothers face a complex web of responsibilities, often with little external support.

4. Emotional Challenges: Emotional challenges include grief, anxiety, and a sense of loss, similar to the myth of Demeter and Persephone.

5. Physical Changes: Physical changes associated with perimenopause and menopause add to the complexity of this transition.

6. Relief in Validation: Knowing that demetrescence is a recognized stage can provide relief and validation to mothers.

7. Broad Impact: This transition affects all mothers, including those with stepchildren, highlighting the universal nature of this experience.

Conclusion

Demetrescence is a significant and often overlooked transition in motherhood. Recognizing and naming this stage can provide much-needed support and validation for mothers navigating this complex period. Understanding and acknowledging the challenges of demetrescence can help mothers seek and receive the support they need to thrive.